If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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