That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
