The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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