I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
