Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Actions speak louder than pants.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
