I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
