Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
