I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
