he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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