so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize