Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
