you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
