I'm so fucking centered right now
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
