Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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