Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
