if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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