pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
