Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
