I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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