so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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