I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
