he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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