May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
