Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
