hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
