Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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