I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
