I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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