fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize