I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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