I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize