I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
