no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
