If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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