If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
