it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
