I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
