GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Well I just put wine in my tea
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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