Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So apparently I’m into choking now
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