he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
