I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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