She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
