How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize