I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
