I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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