My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
