I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
