I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
