I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
