Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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