Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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