yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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