I didn't shave. On purpose
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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