my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
