the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
