I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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