Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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