We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize