I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I want a musical about memes.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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