I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
God, you're like boner-b-gone
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
