I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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