dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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