I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
