I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
