...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
