I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
